Sunday, October 10, 2010

...what has gone before.

I know that a death in the family causes one to confront their own mortality.  Whilst I feel young the use of the word  "one" in the previous sentence might point to something different.  Looking through my eyes out into the world I don't relly feel any different to how I did 30 years ago.  Sure a lot of water has gone under the bridge.  I became a father with all the responsibilities that entailed.  I got married and divorced.  I shifted house a few times, changed career 6 times, and all the while my body aged and I didn't even notice.

Sometimes though, in the past few weeks, I've looked in the mirror and seen an older bloke looking back at me.  The skin isn't as elastic as it was, the sock lines on my ankles at night seem to take a long time to disappear.  I need glasses to read.  My hair is thinning and turning white.  So the trappings of age are appearing way too quickly.

In preparing the slide show for Mum's funeral I found photos of her and Dad with my oldest son Luke, their first grandchild, who is 26 as I write this.  And I don't see old people in those photos.  In fact when Luke was born in 1984 Dad was only three years older than I am now and yet he has already been gone six very quick years.  And sometimes that face I see in the mirror is my Dad looking back at me, and when I look down at my hands which are starting to show the wrinkles of age, I stare at my father's hands.

I don't want this to sound melancholy because I know that it is way better than the alternative.  But sometimes, when I start to think about it overmuch, it scares me that there is now less time ahead of me than what has gone before.


Sharon said...

I wanted to thank you so much for visiting and commenting on my blog.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom. It must be very hard to have both parents gone. But, as people tell me, you are as young as you feel. (Which lately would make me about 75). I'm trying to get better...

I'll enjoy visiting your blog..and yes, please spend some $$ on your lady! :)

Loz said...

Hi Sharon
And thanks for returning the favour. I know I'll get over it - time heals all wounds and all that sort of stuff and I didn't want this to seem like a whinge, just that I feel particularly old at the moment.

And yes I am spending some money - we booked a few days away along the Great Ocean Road after I leave my current job and before I start my new one. I'm looking forward to recharging the batteries. :)

Lori said...

I think this is a beautiful reflective post about the circle of life...and of your parents who have passed. I am sorry about the recent loss of your mother. I can imagine how this would cause one to reflect on their own imortality. Since I am friends with a few elderly people I am of the mindset to enjoy my life at this moment because I may not have tomorrow.

Bless you as you go through the grieving good to yourself! XX

Loz said...

Hi Lori
Thank you very much for the visit and comment. Too often we forget to live in the moment. The last few days of Mum's life my sisters and I were taught a good lesson from that viewpoint.

Sibel said...

As I was reading, I realized that you voiced my feelings exactly. I remember the day during my teenage years I couldn't wait to be older. The days, the weeks... took for ever. Before I realized, I had 2 grown children, been married for 21 years and like you when I look in the mirror I wander who is that women. My mind says I can... my body says... wait a minute...
But when I lost my brother at 45 years old. I stopped the rat race and started to take the time to enjoy my family.
Time does not stop. Thank you for your post

Loz said...

Hi Sibel - you are right time does not stop and sometimes it just seems to go faster - 11 weeks till another Christmas and they come around way too quickly these days.