Monday, March 3, 2008

What others think.

It is no secret that I have made mistakes. Last night after I had told my lady about the events of the day she broke down and made up her mind to leave. It was all too hard. We were judged, despised and condemned by people who knew only one side of the story. And sometimes it is really difficult to see when things may begin to improve. It's often one step forward, two back.

And in any story whilst both sides have elements of truth the ultimate reality lies somewhere in between. In my desire not to hurt anyone anymore than I already had I let other people either tell my story, or let them listen only to the one side that showed me in the worst possible light. And in some ways that did suit me when you harbour guilt or lose your self respect it is easy to believe the worst. I have done my best to accept all blame and not make negative comments about my ex to anyone. Yesterday made me believe that perhaps I hadn't been afforded the same courtesy.

It was a message from her daughter that convinced my lady not to walk away. "You know Mum" she said, "I am sure everyone is hated by someone, but at the end of the day if you come home to a really nice guy it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks."

That made us both feel much better.

I have begun a private blog taking the lead from some of you and I'll send out email invitations to those of you who wish to view it. I will definitely keep this one going but there are times when I need to be a bit more circumspect with what I say. If you haven't received an invitation but would like one please drop me an email.


Anonymous said...

So glad to read those last two paragraphs. I really am Laurie.

Jen x

Loz said...

Hi Jen
I'm trying to respond to your email now but for some reason it won't send. I'll keep trying but I want you to know we will gladly accept your invitation :)

Josie Two Shoes said...

Your Lady's daughter is wise indeed. I know it must be very painful for her to be viewed as the evil "other woman", but both of you know the realities that everyone else is not aware of. No marriage breaks down because of one person entirely. It is a relationship and that takes two. I hope this new love in your life will hang in there, you're a great catch and in time the negativity will wear itself out. Bottom line in life - do what's right for you and to hell with what everyone else thinks!

Finn said...

Your lady's daughter sounds very wise. I'm glad she stayed.

You have to stop feeling so terrible about everything that happened. We all make mistakes. I think it's good no to badmouth your ex, but don't leave your side of the story untold.

E said...

Hi Laurie, you are wrong about L, she didn't bad mouth you to anybody, you were condemmed by your own actions. Please understand you leaving L was sad in itself but it was the way you chose to do it that has made it hard for people to have any respect for you. She endured 3 years at least of you making her life miseable while other things were happening without her knowledge. Those close to L saw what that was doing to her and you had many opportunities to leave, but you stayed dragging the pain out alot longer than neccesary. You are right nobody has heard your side of the story but that is your fault we are left to judge your actions purely from what we saw happening to L. I wish you all the best in the next phase of your life but don't be shocked that people can't accept your new partner especially if they have been around for the break down of your marriage. What was said to you at the weekend should have been said to you long ago but i haven't had the guts to do it.I can't forgive you for the way you treated L at that time but i think you and i share a lack of guts in both situations, you in not ending the relationship much earlier than it was. Nobody is perfect Laurie but for many years of your marriage you portrayed that image and maybe realising you are just human like all the rest of us has made it hard for you to accept your failings and be a bit paranoid about what has been said behind your back. Once again i wish you luck for the future with your new partner but remember those of us who are more intimate with the details of your marriage breakdown don't usually comment on this blog so all your positive comments are also only coming from one side of the story!

Anonymous said...

Yes...I think so too..and send an invitation! (please?) My email is on my profile.....

Loz said...

Dear E

thank you for letting me know where I stand. And so the record is balanced I will leave the comment up for others to judge.

If you have been reading this blog then you should at least be honest enough to know that I have never made any secret of the fact that the fault was mine. Maybe after my email to you yesterday you have a little more from my perspective - although it would appear from the comment that isn't the case.

I do take issue with you saying that I had said L bad mouthed me - I have never said that. What I did say was that you had heard everything from her perspective and that your reality about things is based on that perspective and it was only at the weekend that I was at last shown some courtesy by being told that.

I have never ever said I was perfect. I have never tried to portray perfection. I have judged myself more harshly than anyone else has ever judged me believe me.

I am not shocked at all by people not accepting what I have done, or my current situation. I am disappointed that you probably were as gutless as me in the end in not telling me how you felt. Although you shouldn't judge yourself too harshly there either, because it is easy in these cases to judge others particularly when you are being a good friend to one of the parties.

"The way I did things" is the thing I don't understand because you have never given me the courtesy of discussing any of that. And with all due respect the comment on "things going on behind L's back" for years is also something that you could not possibly have any knowledge of because there is one person only on the planet who knows what happened and why and that is me. I guess if our friendship had been stronger I may have been able to confide in you. It will be to my eternal regret that wasn't the case.

It is a pity that many things didn't happen earlier. At least you won't have to be uncomfortable around me anymore. Good luck in your life too.

I hope that you never have to go through the things that I have. If you do and if one day that does give you a bit more of a perspective about me, then I want you to know that I will be there for you.

To everyone else. I am not trying here to make myself sound like an angel or the aggrieved party. E has indicated that other people who know the story do read the blog. I have left his comment up because it is obviously indicative of how a lot of people feel. I have in return commented publicly because I want people to know that I also have a perspective on what happened that is at odds with what other people may believe. I don't think that is paranoid. And I will make the offer public here that I made privately to E - if any of you do wish to talk to me about it, feel free. If you know me, you also know where to find me.

Worldman said...

Hello Laurie,

That is a big thing. I will now go and read the follow-up post. And I would like to receive an invitation. My email is on my blog.