Wednesday, March 12, 2008

They Don't Understand

I am beginning to think that one of my greatest failures was to tread water after the separation. Perhaps I should have made decisions more quickly to allow the healing process to begin earlier. I've thought about that over and over again and I keep coming up with the same conclusion. I wasn't able to.

Whether the midlife episode includes a separation or the desire to buy a fast car or drop out of the ratrace for a while is in a lot of ways immaterial. For me it was characterised by confusion, by a total lack of self esteem [and I'll tackle that one in another post] and an inability to actually put things into context.

I was not able to actually move forward until I had a number of counselling sessions and I was finally able to put some of my childhood beliefs into context. And that was the true revelation.

I had grown up thinking that I had shouldered responsibilities that were thrust upon me from an early age when what I had actually done was run away from them and hidden in my bedroom through much of my teenage years. As a consequence I grew up unable to open myself up to truly intimate contact or to true deep and abiding friendship.

Am I going to apologise for treading water? No. I couldn't do anything else until I had sorted through all the other baggage and the problem was I didn't even know what the baggage was at the time. So for those who criticise that indecisiveness consider what you may also do in the same situation because you may one day also walk in my shoes.

18 comments:

Josie Two Shoes said...

I have been criticized for putting up with my ex as long as I did, and then criticized for not "getting over it" quickly enough once I finally did leave. There have also been those who criticized me for not being a better wife or sticking with him. I say, to hell with the critics, they haven't lived your life or walked in your shoes. Yes, we both have several things we wish we might have handled differently. Lord, doesn't everyone when they reflect back on the past? But I stand by my decision that I did the very best I could with what I had at the time, and I'm not going to keep beating myself up over it. What matters is what we do with today and from here on on. I called my old blog "Picking up Pieces" because I was, and in some ways I still am - the pieces that was left of the ruins of my life. You are still reassembling your puzzle pieces too, but each day a new direction becomes clearer and you work toward the man and father you want to be. It will all come together, ignore the critics - including that little voice of doubt inside you. (((hugs)))

Finn said...

As I always say, all you can do is the best you can do. You did the best you could with what you had at the time. We live and we learn. The good thing is you've had the chance to grow and you've run with it. Give yourself credit for that; not everyone takes that opportunity.

terri said...

There will always be those who only look at the situation from the aspect of how THEY were affected. You can't do anything to change that. All you can do is the best you know how from this point on and I think you are doing a fabulous job of that.

Jeff said...

You traveled down the path that was only meant for you. Good for you!

Chuck said...

Whether I knew it or not, this post was required reading for me today. Thank you.

I often play the role of lurker on your blog and don't comment as much as I could. I'd just like to say thanks for sharing what you do and have. It fills a need.

All the best.

FindingHeart said...

Prove to me that Capt. Matthew Webb didn't stop to tread water when he crossed the English Channel in 1875 and then I'll criticize you and me and everyone else experiences extreme change. You are running a marathon in being a daddy and a man on this earth. You are getting your bearings and it sounds like you are finding your path again.

"To thine own self be true." Bill Shakespear

(Um, thank wikipedia for todays factual information. :)

meleah rebeccah said...

you had to do what was right for you, when it was right for you.

Mary said...

I learned a long time ago,when people judged me for things they knew nothing about, never to judge others. People who judge are just trying to make themselves feel better. They should look in a mirror with eyes wide open and see themselves.

Loz said...

Josie - I am my biggest critic and I'm pretty sure that people don't get that

Loz said...

Finn - allowing myself the luxury to feel good about where I am now rather than where I was is what I need to do.

Loz said...

Terri - I actually really appreciate the positive reinforcement I get here because at times I do wallow.

Loz said...

Jeff - sometimes the path diverges from those we have traveled with for a while along the way and that causes grief, hurt and a yearning for knowing why. Sometimes the why can't be answered.

Loz said...

Chuck - thanks for commenting. It's important for me to know whether other people are experiencing the same things because I gain strength from that.

Loz said...

FH - thank you and to the Bill Shakespeare quote I will add one attributed to a famous sailor -

"I yam what I yam and that's all I yam."
- Popeye

Loz said...

Mary - some of the disappointment for me in the last few weeks is that people have judged without knowing my side of the story.

Linda and her Surroundings said...

It is too easy for others to be armchair critics. Feel confident that you did what seemed right at the time, what was right for you. We are not just born "knowing", we have to learn and everyone learns at a different pace.

Dorothy said...

Loz, please consider not thinking about what others say..it is what works for you. You can't change the choices you made in the past, however, you can learn for the future. Your a good man, trying to be a great dad, and life will teach you as you go..just listen, only to your heart. Have fun, and put this behind you...life is not meant to punish over and over again..it stops you from moving forward..

My best,
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
www.grammolgy.com

Jeff said...

Yep, the path is sometimes painful (some necessary pains, others not so necessary). However it is YOUR path. It doesn't promise painless travel only to get you to point "B" - and that is where you are destined to "be".