There have been many times over the past few years when I have wished I had someone to talk to. In the end I found that voice in my blogs and the willing ears to listen to my woes, my concerns and my stumbles along the way, as my relationships with people changed and changed again.
I have spoken before about the fact that I've spent a lot of my life being a loner and an observer. I haven't actively sought friendships and in fact I've probably feared them in some ways. Safer that way sometimes. The mother of my children has had no problems along those lines and has had many friends to lean on during those times. And I'll say again that the failure of the marriage was in my eyes my fault, not hers.
Anyway, she's moving on and has a new partner, as do I, and I trust that one day everything will be OK for all of us. I said a couple of posts ago that my daughter is staying with me whilst her mother is on an overseas holiday and I thought that was wonderful but I will admit it hasn't been all smooth sailing. I won't go into details here but I am thinking of a private blog where I can air that stuff too.
This weekend she has stayed with friends of mine and her mother...really good friends, god parents to our kids, best men at each others wedding etc. And I know that they have been a great shoulder for my ex-wife to cry on and I'm glad that they supported her. But with what's happened things can't go back to the way they were and that came home with a thud this morning.
Yesterday I asked if they minded whether my new partner came over with me to pick up my daughter and they said that they didn't, but on speaking to them this morning they said that it would be too uncomfortable to meet at this time. Now in my mind I know that this is their issue, not mine, but it also draws a bit of a line in the sand. I am not sure if they have met the new partner of my ex or not, but I hope when they do that they don't see him with the ghost of me hanging around. He deserves the chance to become their friend too.
My ex is lucky that she has been able to maintain those other relationships with friends that she had before the break up. The fact that I haven't maybe simply rests with that fundamental flaw in my character that makes friends hard to come by. Maybe the fact that in my desire not to burden anyone with my version of events I have simply allowed other versions to become the reality.
Perhaps the friendship I actually thought was there may have passed into memory some time ago and all I feel now is an echo of what once was. My only choice now is to leave further contact to them. One day I hope they may be ready to move on too. It reinforces our need to make a new circle of friends now, because you can't substitute old relationships with new ones. You really have to start again.
My mate wasn't there when I picked my daughter up obviously choosing to stay away. His wife did ask me to step outside when I arrived and said that she would never forgive me, not for what I did, but for the way I did it. She also said that she wasn't one to judge people and therefore this was not an issue related to my new partner, but to me. I told her that people make judgments based upon their personal knowledge of issues and that in this case, given she had never discussed anything with me, that she was basing those opinions entirely upon one side of the story.
To be honest I have absolutely no idea what she meant by "the way I did things." I told her that if ever she did want to ask me about my actions that I would be willing to talk about it with her and that she knew where to find me. I have arranged for my daughter to stay elsewhere next weekend.
It had been my mates 50th birthday when I was away and I bought a book for him which I gave him yesterday. In it I wrote "Thanks for the years of friendship and memories. May there be many more." Somehow I no longer think there will be.