Tuesday, March 4, 2008

E's comment

A comment on the last post said I was wrong about L bad mouthing me and I responded that I had never said she had. On re-reading what I wrote I can now see how that conclusion may have been drawn. Let me say again that L told me that she would never bad mouth me and I believe her, and maybe E was right in his comment that my actions were what condemned me more than anything. Or from what he has said more likely it seems my inactions.

I make no excuses for my apparent gutlessness. I think one of the major lessons I have learnt is that relationships fail because of a lack of communication. Purely and simply. Molehills become mountains when people don't talk. Possibly my biggest mistake when I did confess my wrongs was that I then continued in a vein where the communication between us was still stilted and uncomfortable. But old habits do sometimes die hard and when you spend a life time bottling things up it is really difficult to all of a sudden expect to be an open book.

It has taken me the best part of the two years of separation to learn that lesson, way too late to save any previous relationships. And let me say now that there is a lot more to the story than I will ever reveal to anyone. Deep seated things that go way back to childhood that came to be put into perspective through counselling.

I titled this blog "Midlife - A Journey" because that is what it has been. Here I have tried to be honest where I haven't been honest in the past. For someone guilty of infidelity I expect to be judged about my degree of honesty. I have tried very hard in every instance to make sure that people know this is my perspective, my reality, and it may not correspond with what other people believe is true.

Writing has been cathartic for me and maybe somewhere along the way what I have written will help other people. Everyone is capable of making mistakes that they regret. If I may offer a word of advice to people who do judge those mistakes, please think about how you would feel in the same place. Don't sit back and think that one day the same thing won't happen to you. E said that I held myself up as someone who portrayed himself as perfect but I don't think that is true. I did however have a set of standards and a morality that turned out to be capable of being breached. That is my true failing and it can happen to anyone.


Worldman said...

The last paragraph of your post is important. I have never had the impression that your were "selling" yourself as being perfect. On the contrary, when I go back from time to time and read your past posts, there is many instances where you talk about your shortcomings, your flaws and how you are working on yourself to get out of it. Your "Midlife Journey" shows very clearly that you are "absorbing" the past, to take advantage of the "lessons learnt" and to look ahead.

You have many followers on your blog. That does not mean that you are perfect. But it means that you are sincere and the people feel this. I am certainly not the only one who feels like that.

Beth said...

I of course, had to go and read the comment after reading the post. First, last time I checked, this was "your" blog, and yes, we have gotten your side of the story. But, as I have commented before, you have been very hard on yourself and you have taken the blame. A marriage is two people Loz - and yes, I so agree with you - communication is the only way it works. The people who follow you understand that you have made mistakes - as all of us have. E doesn't like the way it happened? I guess that E feels that you are doing this for sympathy. I do not feel this way - I know that writing for me is cathartic as well. If they can't see it, then f^*k them... (sorry for the language - I just get sick of people who think they are perfect)

Finn said...

it doesn't matter if we don't hear both sides of this story. We are here sharing your journey, your growth.

We respect the way you take responsibility for your part in the end of your marriage. We're here to help you continue to make peace with your mistakes. We are not here judge you or your ex or issue the final word on what happened. It's not important anymore. It's done. Time to move on.

Loz said...

Peter, Beth and Finn - I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised and that knowing I have hurt other people should know that I too could be hurt. I've spoken to a couple of other people today and the common thread is this - don't make assumptions about other people unless you've walked in their shoes. E is, was, a lifelong friend but obviously that friendship wasn't strong or he may have given me the courtesy of listening to what I had to say. But I can't change how they feel, only they can do that. I hope that the same thing never happens to them. Still I am glad it's in the open because I feel that I can move on from that too now.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree with Worldman more. He sums up exactly how I feel about your blog. To me your sincerity shines through.
And Finn too is right in saying we do not need to hear both sides of the story. For whatever reason, we who have connected with you via this blog have done so for a reason. Somehow we relate, emphathise, whatever the reason our connection with you somehow fits.
Jen xx

Josie Two Shoes said...

I think it takes great courage to admit that you didn't handle everything the best way or maybe even the "right" way, whatever right is. Your closing comments say it all. One never knows exactly how they will behave in a given situation until they are facing it. Most of us have discovered along the way that life is not so black and white as we once believed or wanted to portray. Nothing is carved in stone and there are a hundred factors than can influence our decision making on any given day. I believe that you did the best you could at the time with the emotional tools you had then. Now, you might handle things a little differently. I know that I surely would. But, the past is in the past, it can't be relived - so what is the point of continually beating up someone else or ourselves over it? We must pick up the pieces we have left of our lives, and move forward. Learn from the past, but LIVE for the future. Those who can't accept that will indeed find themselves facing the same painful lessons someday that they now judge you for. I know it hurts to be viewed so harshly, but as you note, there is only one person who knows the whole complete truth of the situation and no one else really has the right to make judgement.

Linda and her Surroundings said...

There is always a sense of honesty in what you post. Don't apologise for that ever. People often blog because they are not on the same thinking plane as others.

It must be just great for those who have all the best communication skills, networking skills, relationship skills etc.

Learning in life makes us who we are.

Nick Phillips said...

Communication is the key to everything as far as I'm concerned!

And no one is perfect Loz, so you need not apologize for anything. I may not always leave comments but I do enjoy what you write and your sincerity in the way you write.