A comment on the last post said I was wrong about L bad mouthing me and I responded that I had never said she had. On re-reading what I wrote I can now see how that conclusion may have been drawn. Let me say again that L told me that she would never bad mouth me and I believe her, and maybe E was right in his comment that my actions were what condemned me more than anything. Or from what he has said more likely it seems my inactions.
I make no excuses for my apparent gutlessness. I think one of the major lessons I have learnt is that relationships fail because of a lack of communication. Purely and simply. Molehills become mountains when people don't talk. Possibly my biggest mistake when I did confess my wrongs was that I then continued in a vein where the communication between us was still stilted and uncomfortable. But old habits do sometimes die hard and when you spend a life time bottling things up it is really difficult to all of a sudden expect to be an open book.
It has taken me the best part of the two years of separation to learn that lesson, way too late to save any previous relationships. And let me say now that there is a lot more to the story than I will ever reveal to anyone. Deep seated things that go way back to childhood that came to be put into perspective through counselling.
I titled this blog "Midlife - A Journey" because that is what it has been. Here I have tried to be honest where I haven't been honest in the past. For someone guilty of infidelity I expect to be judged about my degree of honesty. I have tried very hard in every instance to make sure that people know this is my perspective, my reality, and it may not correspond with what other people believe is true.
Writing has been cathartic for me and maybe somewhere along the way what I have written will help other people. Everyone is capable of making mistakes that they regret. If I may offer a word of advice to people who do judge those mistakes, please think about how you would feel in the same place. Don't sit back and think that one day the same thing won't happen to you. E said that I held myself up as someone who portrayed himself as perfect but I don't think that is true. I did however have a set of standards and a morality that turned out to be capable of being breached. That is my true failing and it can happen to anyone.