Wednesday, March 5, 2008

E is not "E"

The E who commented yesterday is not the person I thought it was and I want to set that record straight because it probably requires a different response from me. To the real E's credit she did send me an SMS to tell me.

Right now though I am off to hospital where Mum is being operated on so it will be a while before I clear it up.

Mum came through the operation and everything apparently went to schedule. She is very dopey and we won't see the surgeon until tomorrow morning, so I'll go straight over before work. My mate messaged and asked how Mum was which I really appreciated.

Now onto "E".

I have read again what I responded and I don't really see anything that I should change. Only thing was I didn't send this person an email. I guess that the same response stands and that is that I would ask you not to make presumptions about my motivations, about what you think was happening or why I stayed too long in your eyes. Believe it or not I too went through the sleepless nights and the grieving. Never ever think I didn't. But no one saw that because I hid it. That is another weakness of mine, I find it very easy to close doors and not let anyone see the real person. And it takes time to unwind lessons of a lifetime. Maybe for some of us it is the midlife period that becomes the opportunity to begin to understand ourselves. And maybe understanding comes too late for some of us to solve the problems we have.

The why is a question that may forever remain unanswered and do not believe that the same thing can't happen to you.

Finally, E what is your motivation in reading the blog? How did you find out about it? If I am unforgivable and gutless, if you have a total lack of respect for me and you believe I had such an inflated opinion of myself that I considered myself perfect, why read this? Do you do it in private? Do you discuss me openly with other people? Do you sit around and offer the sorts of opinions about me that you have expressed in the comment to anyone who will listen, or do you simply keep your own counsel? I am not paranoid about it, I just find it odd. I know that I cannot change your opinion and that any issues you have with me are your issues. I have no control over that. But know that I did enjoy the times when we were family. And everyone else should know also that despite a bad ending, the marriage had good times, many of them.

I assume [and yes I know I shouldn't make assumptions] that you think that the people who give me positive comments are wrong and that it may hurt you to see that others may hold a different opinion of me than you do. All I can suggest is don't read what I write.


Gypsy said...

I hope your Mum comes through her surgery well Loz. You and yours are in my thoughts and btw, it was lovely to hear from R yesterday. Made my day.

meleah rebeccah said...

praying for you Mum.....

Anonymous said...

Loz, I find it almost humorous how some people read a blog with the intention of judging the person behind it. I enjoy reading blogs that follow the true essence of blogging, mostly introspective writing done for oneself with the secondary benefit of sharing with others knowing there will/could be provoking thought from other perspectives.

I've been reading for a while now and still don't know your whole 'mid-life' story. (Nor am I asking for more.) My children's mother went through her mid-life and the resulting divorce is what made me take a second look inwardly and grow for myself. Reading you often gives me another man's perspective on life and living that I can take or leave, but apply to my growth as I see fit. That wasn't your purpose, but that is what I take from you. (The payment is in the mail. :)

Blogging was my ladder out of a very deep hole. I appreciate your blog and your almost artistic way of sharing your life perspectives. Thanks! (Now, can I use the word 'Mates' on my blog?? Ha!)

Josie Two Shoes said...

I have hit these same kinds of reactions, Loz - people close to me saying "if your online friends REALLY knew you they wouldn't think you were so wonderful". My response - "In some ways they know me far better than you do." While I was going thru the worst times of my life in my past marriage, most of the people I work with on a daily basis, and even friends and relatives, had no idea the hell I was experiencing. We have been taught since youth to suck it up, put on a happy face, and muddle thru, and I tried to do that... until I couldn't do it anymore. I wish now that I would have ended the facade earlier, left earlier, and maybe you do too, but we did the best we could. I agree with your questioning of E's motives in reading your blog... is it to understand or to find more dirt to sling? It is for this very reason that the members of my family have no access to or awareness of my blog. My blog is MY reality, the way I see it and feel it, and that's as it should be. Anyone who isn't comfortable with that, isn't required to read.

Loz said...

FH - blogging was the only way I was able to critically self examine myself. Lot's of people have told me that I am too self critical, but that is one of many flaws I'm coming to grips with. I've asked you to send me and email so I can add you to the private blog readers because it has also helped me to have the male perspective you bring to the table.

Loz said...

Dear Josie - despite the fact that it may have been better to have left earlier or that I should have confessed earlier or made a final decision quicker, the fact is I wasn't in a place where I could do that.

Now the question is what comes first? Was the affair just opportunistic or a response to the way things were at home? Did it happen because I was unhappy, because I sensed L was unhappy or was it a consequence of a "Midlife" episode? I still don't know the answers to that and I may never know them. Because triggers and catalysts and the consequences that result are always chicken and egg situations.

I guess what I've tried to tell people through my writing is that unless it actually happens to you, you cannot possibly know how it feels. Judge me yes, but I'm not sure that I deserve the harshness that some people reserve for me. I have been in some very dark places whilst I've gone through this and like you, I've tended to grin and bear it and not let people in. That's not an excuse, just a fact of my life.

Seine said...

happy to hear things were normal for your mom's operation! hope she recovers quickly

your blog is your blog ... and unfortunately, comments are comments ... it sucks to get that unfair comment, but be comforted that most of the time, these silly comments come from people who don't know you at all

who are they to say anything authoritatively about you?