Friday, August 10, 2007


The last post reminded me of another occasion from my previous life as a policeman. For a number of years I worked in the Witness Protection area of the police force and back in those days [I stress that it is no longer the case] we held the witnesses on isolated rural properties.

Most of these places had a single residence but were chosen to have several outbuildings where we coppers could live, eat and sleep, whilst we were locked up with the witness usually for a week at a time. You learn a lot about the blokes you work with in these circumstances. The hours are long and boring, there is no such thing as time off, there was often times that you had to respond to incidents even when you were technically stood down.

There was little to do except play cards, watch videos, or maybe play table tennis, when you weren't sitting at a guard post or manning the radio. There were of course some people that absolutely rubbed you the wrong way, either because they went missing when things like cooking or dish washing needed to be done, or simply because they weren't the type of person you would normally have wanted to spend time with.

I remember being woken by a shotgun blast one night which got us all scrambling for our weapons and falling out of bed responding to what we thought was an attack only to find that one of our colleagues had fallen asleep at his post with his finger inside the trigger and as he jerked forward he put a round through the roof of the verandah he was sitting on. Needless to say, he didn't do another of these operations for a long time.

There was one guy that we insisted was put on permanent night shift, not because he wasn't a good guy to have around, just that his snoring was the worst any of us had ever heard and given we were all sleeping, dormitory style in a shed, he was guaranteed to ensure that no one would get any sleep.

The sheds we were in were pretty spartan - concrete floor, tin walls and roof - freezing cold in winter and boiling hot in summer, and totally lacking any privacy. They also were not by any stretch of the imagination "critter proof". Now we have some pretty big spiders over here and one of the most common is the huntsman. Everything I've read says that they can get up to 15 centimeters across, but I can tell you that I've seen some that have been closer to 25-30cm in my own backyard. And this particular shed was full of them.

One day, when our loudly snoring colleague was in bed sleeping, another of the guys came and got us and said "Come and have a look at this."

We all crept into the shed and there he was the snorer, flat on his back, a large huntsman on his face, rising and falling slowly as he breathed in and out. What do you think we did?

The answer is in the comments :)


kellypea said...

No way did you put that spider in his mouth.

Did you?


It's a guy thing, right?

Loz said...

it was already on his mouth kelly, in fact it was so big it's legs spread from ear to ear :)

blessed1 said...

Ewww! I'd have smacked him across the face to squish the spider! Or poured alcohol down his mouth to drown it! What did you do???

sfgirl said...

I don't think I even want to know...Arghhh! Tell us, tell us!

Anonymous said...

Actually I was just thinking how wonderful it would be to sleep so deeply that nothing worries you.

Probably not so good as a Police officer though.

As a fellow Aussie we get quite used to Huntsmans in our homes, but must admit Laurie,haven't seen one quite that big! Don't think I want to either! Not that spiders worry me - just catch them and put them back out in the garden where they belong.

So tell us what you did. LOL!


Josie Two Shoes said...

Yikes! Ok, we're waiting in suspence here - tell us what you did, though I have a feeling I am going to be freaked out by the answer! :-)

. . . Dallas Meow . . . . >^^< . . . said...

creepy creepy spider!
hate them!

like your neo flags.

HollyGL said...

OH MY GOD!!! I hate spiders!! I hope I don't have nightmares about them tonight. Oh, I just... I think if I had been that guy and awakened with that thing on my face, I would have had a heart attack and died then and there!

Loz said...

OK enough suspense. You have to remember we were all highly trained professionals, able to quickly assess any situation, evaluate the danger and make a quick decision that we knew would withstand the scrutiny of the courts and uphold the high standards that were expected of us.

Yes, firearms were an option we considered but discarded fairly quickly, although the snoring was very bad, we thought it better just to leave him on permanent night shift.

Cricket bats were also considered but after a frantic search we couldn't find one. Best we could come up with was a table tennis bat and no one wanted to get that close.

We also considered fumigation because this guy not only snored, he farted very badly too. But at the end of the day we decided that wasn't fair on the spiders.

So we did what all good mates do who want to dine out on the tail of the spider on the snoring colleagues mouth even years after the event.....absolutely nothing ;)

Blur Ting said...

Haha, you left that spidy on his face! We have some of those in the house from time to time. Spiders don't freak me out as much as toads though. But then again, they're never 25-30cm big!

Nick Phillips said...

Spiders! Man, I hate them. I seriously hate spiders! When I was growing up, we lived in this old neighbourhood and sometimes, I wake up in the morning only to see this huge spider on the ceiling right on top of me, of course I'd run screaming for mommy (LOL!) I still hate spider to this very day!