I started this blog for me. It was a place I could explore through writing some of the issues that were affecting me on a day to day basis. A place where I could examine the past with a view to trying to understand the present. I never believed in the whole midlife crisis thing until it started to happen to me and for a long time I had no idea what it was. Ultimately I have learnt that the end result of it is change - you change as a person, your circumstances change, relationships change, the way you deal with things changes. People judge those changes whether you want them to or not.
I wasn't an anonymous blogger as such, my photo was up, but I didn't really expect that there would be much interest in what I wrote and I certainly never really thought that people who know me would read it. So the blog began with a few people who dipped in and probably decided not to come back, gradually it started to get some regular readers who cared enough to comment, then at some stage people who know me found it.
I don't know exactly when the latter happened, nor how many of you who read this do know me nor do I know what you think of me. I have said often that I don't have a group of friends who I can talk face to face with about the things I discuss here. I do know that in becoming aware of the fact that I am writing stuff that people who know me read, that I have had to temper some of the things I have said and the way I have said them. I have certainly not tried to be dishonest at any time, but there are things I have written that have remained private and that I would now never share on this forum. But there are probably some things I have written that would have been better left to an anonymous blog rather than posting here where I can be criticised.
I have been accused of being disrespectful, of writing out of self interest and attempting to influence people's opinions of me with what I write and the way I write it. I think the people who have said that have missed the motivation I have in writing. Of course this is about me, of course that is my side of a story that has many sides, and of course I see things differently to the way other people see them. I have not pretended to be perfect, I have not sought to blame anyone for the situation I am in other than myself. I don't believe that I have made myself out to be a martyr and I am certainly not a hero - just a flawed human being who is trying to understand a bit more about himself. That's all I am, nothing more nor less.
I have even been accused of attempting to manipulate my kids by writing some of what I write and I never thought that was something that I was trying to do.
I don't get why some people see fit to continue reading here if they don't like what I say. I don't get why some of you [who do know me] discuss what I write with other people. I don't get why there seems to be slants put on what I say that are at odds with what I say, that gossip takes on a life of it's own and that what I write has been used to hurt people. How does that happen - do you read things and get straight on the phone to talk to people about it? Do you wait to bring it up in conversation? What possible motivation can you have in gossiping about what I write? And who are you? How many of you who know me talk about what I write? Am I being paranoid and overestimating the worth of what I write? Do you all truly think that I am being egotistical, that I write without any concern about whether I hurt other people or not?
I know in putting stuff publicly on a blog and inviting comment that I should be prepared for the negative as well as the positive responses. So what do I do - stop posting here and start an anonymous one somewhere else, keep doing what I have been doing and to hell with what other people think, or just stop altogether? I suppose that at the end of the day, you my dear audience, can choose whether or not to visit and read. If I start censoring what I write then the blog changes, it becomes something I never wanted it to be. It does become dishonest.