Friday, June 8, 2007

It's Easy to Judge

How do you explain to kids the reasons for a marriage breakup when it's hard to explain it to yourelf? There are of course many reasons but for outsiders, or people who don't live it, it sometimes doesn't seem that any reason is good enough.

One thing I've learnt is that most people will make assumptions based upon what they think they know, but that of course is an assumption based upon their own perception of a story. For me, things have been incredibly lonely, with only a very small number of people to talk to about it. My best mate has had his own trials and tribulations over the past few years so I have not wanted to burden him with any of my own problems. So I have spoken to the lady I am now seeing and my counsellor and that's been about it.

It has taken a lot of courage for this loner to even do that. I have tried to overcome that reluctance to talk with varying success and did have a good chat with daughter number one a week ago. I've not yet spoken at length to my sons, but son number one will be staying with me in a couple of weeks and I hope that I can talk to him when he's here.

Having a father who had an affair but who returned to the family home gives me some insight into how my kids may be feeling and given my unresolved issues with him, I hope that my own kids will one day forgive me. That may not happen until they see that their mother can and will be happy again one day. For the time being I am being treated a bit like a leper by some and that hurts. All I can really do is try and be honest for the first time in a long time.

I would like to have a joint counselling session with my daughters but they have no desire to do that at the moment. Oddly enough, for one of them, even writing on this blog is seen as a betrayal and I also find that hard to deal with. I guess that I deserve anger to some degree and the wonder is perhaps that it has taken this long to surface. I am conscious now that I am writing for an audience which includes family and that is sometimes painful for them. My one desire is that they will one day appreciate what this blog has become - a record of their father's journey - nothing more or less.

The irony is that it is my blogging friends who know as much about me as anyone and when I staarted this blog I never expected to find that level of support in this forum. So for those who do read this, I thankyou for being non-judgemental and for allowing me to vent and reveal this part of my journey.


paisley said...

i am thinking that if they saw true happiness in the new life that you sacrificed to obtain,,, it may be easier on them as well... just my perception..if all they see is insecurity, and doubt,, they may reflect that....

Finn said...

My mother always told me that nobody wants to hear about your problems. It's one of the few things she's been wrong about. Your true friends will listen to you when you need it. Unburdening your soul is a good and healthy thing.

As I've said before, the kids will come around. Be patient, don't take their behavior personally and just be honest with them. This too shall pass.

Loz said...

Paisley...I think you are right but there is a lot of guilt associated with being happy given the somewhat miserable person I have sometimes been.

Finn...I think the whole midlife thing is about that unburdening and learning what you need to do in order to move forward. And I hope you are right about the kids.

meleah rebeccah said...

wow, I just found you thru paisley and hollygl, this is a pretty excellent blog. Im going to crusie the rest of your posts!

Micki said...

My understanding of my parent's divorce deepened after my own marriage. My understanding of the parents they were deepened after I became one. That may not be an answer for you, but you do have to trust that your love for your children will be enough to eventually heal. Sometimes I'm sure that being a parent is 90% heartbreak.