Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Time to Trust

A long time ago I learnt that it hurt to trust. That to open oneself would lead inevitability to getting hurt. Somewhen the ability to trust was left behind. When a marriage fails that trust also fails, it becomes way too easy to lie, and to erect a barrier around feelings simply because it's simpler to do that than to confront them.

I did that and in doing it was not true to anyone least of all myself. Who did say "To thine own self be true." Something I've believed in but not embraced. The first step in learning to trust myself was to admit my infidelities to my wife and to leave the marriage, something I did 15 months ago. But it was still not enough, I still didn't trust myself enough to admit that it was possible to love someone else and that doing that was not something I needed to hide.

I was told once that I didn't have the power to affect so greatly what other people do, but that isn't true. People have been waiting for me to get my life sorted out and in waiting haven't been able to move on themselves. Time now to trust and to be true to myself. In doing that everyone caught up in my life over the past few years can also move forward.

Tonight I am having a coffee with my ex-wife so that the new boundaries in our lives can be set, so that the children [particularly my youngest] can know that there is no chance of things ever being as they once were. Tonight I tell her that I am in a relationship. She may already know that or at least suspect it, but for me there is no more hiding. I want to live again.

1 comment:

paisley said...

the power that you wield over others is in your ability to have power over yourself. had you used that power to make decisions that resulted in your own actions,,, no one would be sitting on the proverbial fence....

when i said "you are not that powerful",, with relation to screwing up other peoples lives, i was referring to the fact that only they can make decisions that result in actions on their own behalf...where as you may affect their decisions or actions you cannot ultimately make decisions for them or act upon them...

you are really putting a concerted effort into all of this tho loz,, and i applaud your actions in that course!!!!!