Monday, May 7, 2007

Quandaries and Rhetorical Questions

I took the decision when I started this blog that I would be visible, i.e. no false name, no stealth about who I was, just an attempt to be open and honest. But that also posed some dilemnas. Firstly, if it is obvious here who I am, can I truly afford to be totally honest? What may happen if people who know me or my kids find this and what possible impact might there be on them. So the only fair solution for them is to discuss some things here but not others.

And therein lies the quandary. Much has happened to me over my lifetime and much more over the past few years since midlife reared it's ugly head. Things whch I have hidden from most people and which I have no desire to share with people I know -except for those I choose to share it with. So this blog is therefore sanitised. That doesn't mean I can't try and be honest about the things I do talk about. It just means that some of the doors I have spoken about in previous posts will remain locked to visitors to this blog.

I wrote today on Sunrays and Saturdays about the anti-social me and it got me thinking about what I could write further about that post here. I don't want people to think I had a bad childhood because I didn't, but what I have discovered in all of this analysis of my past is that I made decisions very early on in life about who I was going to be. They were not conscious decisions. I didn't sit back and say that if I do this the consequence will be that, no kid will do that. Nonetheless the decisions were made and they did affect how I relate to other people.

So in midlife we sit back and ponder the wotifs - if this didn't happen where would I be now, or if this did happen would I be a different person now. The answer of course is yes, but there is also no real point in knowing that because you cannot change the past. All you can do is look for context, sort through the rot and try and make sure that you may be a better person in the future.

At the end of the day, most of us do not honestly desire to hurt anyone but it is sometimes a very fine line in making a decision about whether or not to open doors and let people in or not. Sometimes opening or closing can end up hurting people so the challenge is to try and determine who you let in and who you keep out.

I can honestly say that there is really only one person who I have let in. I'll leave it up to you to decide whether I am talking about myself or maybe someone else. And if I maybe one day find the courage to talk openly about what I only dare hint of now that answer may be revealed. Or maybe not.


paisley said...

i loved your use of the word "wotifs"... i dont know if you coined it,,, or if it is just something i am unfamiliar with... but it definately stuck with me...

breathlessly awaiting a revilation here........

Laurie Joyce said...

Can't claim credit for the term "wotif" unfortunately.
Now I'm not sure about the revelation at this stage - maybe one day :)