Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The main thing's not to panic

A mate of mine used to say that all the time - "The main things not to panic". I can't remember what the context of the comment was, maybe around school exams, maybe when we were lost on a bushwalk to The Bluff, maybe just as a line that became a bit of a signature for him. We called him Fog, which was a corruption of his name, sort of Geoff spelt backwards, but he as no dill. He was a groomsman at my wedding, but never married himself, nor had any of his own children. In fact he decided that passing on genes which had lead him to wearing coke bottle glasses and given him a bad back was not something he wished to burden any children he may have had with. Sadly, he died of a stroke at age 39 back in 1997.

Still those words have just popped back inside my head tonight - The main things not to panic - so thankyou Fog.

Why do I panic? Well I guess it's because I have run away from contact with people, from companionship, and yes, from love, for much of my life. I have come to understand that subconsciously I have not wanted to build deep relationships with people because the fear of loss is too frightening for me. So when I have found that I now do not wish to lose a relationship I panicked, both because I have previously run from commitment, and now wishing to take a forward step I have been overcome by the fear of loss. Not because I will lose it, or even that I expect to lose this one, simply because I have long established pattern of behaviour that has not let people in. And the reason for that is that I have built walls against emotion simply because of fear.

The main things not to panic. I'll try and remember that.

2 comments:

Lisa said...

you remember that, and I will too. Thanks to you (and your friend Fog) for the great wisdom. Panic is human, but if you can remember to breathe through it, it will pass and your brain will allow you to DO what you need to. Hang in there!

Random Magus said...

I'm pretty familiar with the feeling of panic as well.. you know when you feel that your heart is sinking into your tummy and beating so rapidly that you can't hear anything. But the worse is the waiting for the bad to happen - the Damocles sword so to speak. To give you an example... I panic before presentations... the whole time I'm speaking I feel my vocal chords literally shaking and believe it or not for a long time that was my career [I did hosting for Tv]
But what I have learned through putting myself in situations I know will panic the hell out of me.. when you do what was scary the feeling of accomplishment and just the relief is awesome. You beat the sucker... but no matter how many times you succeed it's still there.
So you just learn to allow yourself to be panicked yet not let it get in the way of your success. Peacefully co-existing.
I don't know if I made any sense in this loonng comment..