Monday, May 21, 2007

A drink of water

Sometimes when you ask for something it doesn't really mean that's what you're asking for nor really that that is what you want. I've learnt a few things about that recently.

I have had a couple of sessions of hypnosis as part of my counselling and I guess as with many people it is a strange experience. In some manner it feels like you are really just playing a game and that any time you feel like it you can sit up and say that its all bs.

For me in one session though I found myself back at a time when I was about 5 or 6 years old. It was night time and I was lying in bed calling out to my Dad asking him to bring me a glass of water. I hadn't thought about that in so many years but in looking back now it was an almost nightly ritual.

Dad was an alcholic and he would often come home drunk, but I would lie awake each night waiting for the sound of his car in the driveway and the inevitable verbal argument that would start when he came in the door. It is hard looking back now to really think that he was drunk every night, maybe he wasn't maybe it's just the memories of the bad times that are left as anchor points to hang onto.

So when I heard him I would start calling out, "Daddy, I want a drink of water", and most nights he would come down the passageway and into my room with a glass. Sometimes I'd drink it and ask for another, sometimes it would just remain on the bedside table.

The hypnosis showed me that I wasn't really thirsty for water, what I really wanted was to know that he was home safe and in seeing that I could finally close my eyes and sleep for the night. Dad wasn't demonstratively affectionate, like me I guess, so a cuddle was out of the question, but I would get a kiss to the forehead as he left the room.

So sometimes asking for things doesn't really mean that is what you want. As I've learnt over the past couple of weeks it is sometimes better to say out loud and up front what you really want rather than assume that they know what you really mean. I've spent way too much of my lifetime pushing people away because I was scared to say what I really mean.

Asking for a drink of water in my case meant I was really asking to be loved and showing that I loved.


Random Magus said...

I'm fascinated with hypnosis... because I don't remember a lot of things from my childhood it's as if my mind has pulled a huge black curtain over lots of things that I wouldn't be able to handle.
So do you actually remember like crystal clear your childhood memories?

Loz said...

In this case I did remember and it was like I was there. It was very emotional and the clarity of what I was really wishing for only came to me as I came out of the trance.