Monday, May 28, 2007

Dreams and Laughter

I have always been a Jackson Browne fan and his early work coincided with my step into adulthood and I still listen regularly to music from that time. The 70's are my Ground Hog Day.

I got to thinking about these lines from his song "The Late Show" -

"No one ever talks about their feelings anyway
WIthout dressing them in dreams and laughter
I guess it's just too painful otherwise"

The other day my ex raised with me the fact that my daughter had told her that I had said that I am not good at expressing my feelings, no surprise to me, but something she thought was significant for her. I have tried very hard through the marriage breakup to cloister the kids from my feelings, other than to reassure them of my love for them and to try and make things as normal as possible when I see them.

Sometimes I wonder what is the best thing for them. Last night my next door neighbour had a verbal fight with his ex-wife out the front of his unit and in the presence of his kids who are around 6 and 8 years old. At one stage he said "The reason I don't come around to the house is because I'll end up in gaol!"

Little kids don't need to hear or see that type of acrimony and I felt so sorry for them knowing that it will be something they have to grow up knowing, and that there will likely be long term issues relating to the situation for them. Just as there are for things in my childhood that I am still dealing with now.

There was another thing I told my daughters recently and that was about a visit I had from my father last year which is as vivid in my memory now as anything that actually happened when he was alive. He came into my bedroom one night and sat on the end of my bed. I couldn't speak to him and he didn't speak to me, but I am in no doubt that he was there. What spooked me was that a week or so later my ex told me of a dream she had of my father, where he kept coming into a room and spoke to her, telling her to give me a hug because I wasn't listening to him.

I think I have said somewhere before that I have prided myself on being the rational man, but that incident and others over the past year or so have made me more open to the spiritual rather than the rational.

I will continue to try and express my feelings to my daughters and hope that my sons do not grow up with the same father issues I have.

1 comment:

Chad Dukes said...

I grew up with Jackson Browne. I can hear every note in David Lindley's solo, right before the lyrics go, "Its like your standing in the window of a house nobody lives in....."