People have expressed surprise at my marriage breakup. I have had comments come back to me like “that’s out of character” . But those people, in saying that, really show that they have only seen a small part of me, that the amalgam of masks that makes me who I am was not revealed in all it’s totality to any of them. And so they judge from a perspective that is both jaundiced and incomplete.
My ex has struggled with the fact that I did not appear to make an attempt to keep the marriage working. And she is probably right, but again she does not know me with all the foibles and weaknesses I have, nor does she know how I have struggled with contradiction and fear for a long time now. How long – well that is the subject of counseling and I am only scratching surfaces at the moment, although each day brings me closer to understanding.
When it came to making a decision about whether or not to try with the marriage again, the crunch came when I realized that if the same circumstances were to play out again, that I would probably react in the same way. That being the case it was the wrong thing to do for everyone for me to even consider going back. I think she now realizes that I cannot give her what she deserves within the marriage and that has come despite her desire to try again, and certainly in spite of her attempts over the last few years to re-engage me in married life. Whilst I was around, in her words I wasn’t really there.
My children probably also held out the hope that things would return to a semblance of normality and I totally understand that they will most likely take their mother’s side in any dispute, not because they don’t love me, but because they must reflect her feelings by the simple fact that they live with her. They have seen her tears, borne the brunt of her frustrations and had to be her sounding board and crux since I left. Likewise, her friends, or our joint friends, will see me through her eyes and through a belief that I acted out of character, and in doing that will form a judgement, both unfair and untrue.