Friday, May 25, 2007

And so they judge

People have expressed surprise at my marriage breakup. I have had comments come back to me like “that’s out of character” . But those people, in saying that, really show that they have only seen a small part of me, that the amalgam of masks that makes me who I am was not revealed in all it’s totality to any of them. And so they judge from a perspective that is both jaundiced and incomplete.

My ex has struggled with the fact that I did not appear to make an attempt to keep the marriage working. And she is probably right, but again she does not know me with all the foibles and weaknesses I have, nor does she know how I have struggled with contradiction and fear for a long time now. How long – well that is the subject of counseling and I am only scratching surfaces at the moment, although each day brings me closer to understanding.

When it came to making a decision about whether or not to try with the marriage again, the crunch came when I realized that if the same circumstances were to play out again, that I would probably react in the same way. That being the case it was the wrong thing to do for everyone for me to even consider going back. I think she now realizes that I cannot give her what she deserves within the marriage and that has come despite her desire to try again, and certainly in spite of her attempts over the last few years to re-engage me in married life. Whilst I was around, in her words I wasn’t really there.

My children probably also held out the hope that things would return to a semblance of normality and I totally understand that they will most likely take their mother’s side in any dispute, not because they don’t love me, but because they must reflect her feelings by the simple fact that they live with her. They have seen her tears, borne the brunt of her frustrations and had to be her sounding board and crux since I left. Likewise, her friends, or our joint friends, will see me through her eyes and through a belief that I acted out of character, and in doing that will form a judgement, both unfair and untrue.


Finn said...

I also believe that people see you through their own filters, which are created by their own experiences and desires. Your friends are your friends because they see something in you that they can relate to or admire.

I think many people, family included (maybe especially) tend to get mired in their own impressions of you and don't see you for what you really are. I think they see you for what they want or need you to be.

Jeff said...

Everyone you meet judges you. They judge you by their own standards. Whatever you have that justifies your decisions escape them. It is a cross we all must bear.

alphawoman said...

Even though we think we know each other via blogs and Internet, we don't know each other one iota. We may think we show our faces but we are only showing what we wish to reveal.

Rose DesRochers said...

Thank you for dropping by my blog and I'm sorry to hear of your recent breakup. I can empathize as I don't know how you feel, but if you ever need a listening ear my door is open.


Loz said...

Hi alphawoman - i'm not really sure what you mean by that comment. Of course unless as a blogger we are totally anonymous much of what we do write is sanitised. And that is as much to protect other people as it is to present ourselves in only a good light.